You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
how does that bad decision feel?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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