My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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