Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
