So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
