Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
