yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
