New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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