Betty ford says i'm here all night
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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