you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
