I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
