After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
