what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
