I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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