If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
