And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
