I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
