you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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