Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
