Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
