1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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