At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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