it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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