it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
