this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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