im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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