dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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