Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
