She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
