Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it's great music for shaving your balls
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't deserve a penis
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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