I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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