I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
