she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
