I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
