so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
