someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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