Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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