It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
