hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
