I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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