I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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