so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
