she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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