I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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