If that was your dad, he is hot
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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