I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
