I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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