I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
