You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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