I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
