My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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