don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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