Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have fence marks all over my body
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
