In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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