why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
